Happiness

Sunday. Flip-flops, tank top, cut-offs, and Ray Bans. Windows open, music on. Hubby, S, and two friends over for a play date. Basketball in the driveway. Pooches on the doggie couch. Laughter filling the house from outside.

On Recovering: Inside vs. Outside, the Incongruance

It’s been 10 days since the head-on collision with an alleged drunk driver.  The cuts on my face, bruising across my chest, on my knees and left ankle are healed or almost healed.  This causes me anxiety.  If others  can no longer see the outside physical effects of the incident, will I still receive the compassion and time I need to fully process, and completely heal on the inside?  The inside is not immediately visible to anyone,  those I pass on the street that stared at the cuts on my nose and forehead and know that I have experience a trauma.  What happens when the outside physical indicators have all healed, and all that is left are inside wounds?   What is the timeline associated with their graciousness when we are in the car together and I’m still on the edge of my seat, consumed with fear?

I request my insurance set up my rental car, but as soon as the reservation was ready and Enterprise called me to move me to the front of the line, I panicked.  I began to sweat, and wanted to cry.  I am accepting of being a passenger, but not ready to drive again.  Each time I get into a car, I worry about my safety, and the safety of my son, S, 8 years old.  For it was highly likely that I could have had him in the car with me the night of the accident.  It was too late, and I am rarely in the car without him.  So, my Mom has agreed to pick me up and get S from school together for another week, and my husband has agreed to keep morning free from appointments so that he can take S to school.  I guess I will try again next week.

So, I ask again, what happens now that the outside physical indicators of trauma have healed, and all that is left is the inside damage?

A Good Explanation of Love? I think so.

“I fell in love with him. But I don’t just stay with him by default as if there’s no one else available to me. I stay with him because I choose to, every day that I wake up, every day that we fight or lie to each other or disappoint each other. I choose him over and over again, and he chooses me.” ~Tris, Allegiant, book three in the Divergent trilogy by Veronica Roth

Resignation

I recently resigned from my position in the Economic Development Department of a local community college.  I held this position for a year.  For one year I came to home and nothing good to say about my day.  The politics and hierarchy of the system I was working in drove me crazy.  I didn’t fit the mold of the type of employee they “the college” was looking for.  This wasn’t communicated to me directly, of course.  It came across in small doses, and varied situations.  As the days passed, I became more negative, more jaded.  The turning point for me was when my husband said he didn’t like me anymore, and that I wasn’t the person he fell in love with, that I wasn’t confident, but fearful.  Gasp!  I had wanted to leave the position 2 months in, but kept telling myself to give it time.  There was no more time to give.  I gave notice the next working day.

I’ve been unemployed, and looking for a new opportunity, for less than a week, but I haven’t felt this happy, and free, in quite some time.

The Little Things

It’s been a while since I’ve shared, but quite honestly, I haven’t been inspired or motivated to do so.  Actually, a while is an understatement.  Anyhow, a recent chat with a friend got me thinking.  I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since, actually.  The little things.  

My day is filled with little things; things to do, things to remember, things to plan.  But, the little things I’m referring to are those that can make us happy.  They’re also the little things that make a difference in how our lives would feel if all suddenly we didn’t have those little things anymore.  I refereed to them previously as the things that can make us happy.  That was purposeful.  It wasn’t until listening to my friend talk about what she didn’t have in one area of her life, that I realized how many of those little things I do have in mine.  I haven’t thanked her for this, but I really should.  

My little things relate to and are the result of my husband.  At the end of the day, my little things are the what’s important, and could just end up being the big things.

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Birthday Flowers

The yearly birthday flowers were ordered for his Mom, only to find out that she is now in hospice and may not have much longer.

Grandma is 93 today. My Dad’s love for her is great. And his dedication to her is vast. His love for her is unlike that of any other love he exhibits. I am uncertain what this change will bring about in him. I’m worried for him, and my heart breaks for him. I love Grandma, but I am not as connected to her as he is. It is weird to think that very soon I may never see her again. But, it doesn’t make me sad. It just feels weird.

Grandma has lived a long, full life. She is tired and wants to be with her husband. She has made up her mind and I think she will be leaving us soon. I hope my Dad makes it in time to see her, tell her he loves her, and say goodbye.

Dear Grandma,

I will never forget how you used to make play-dough in the San Dimas house across from the park. I will never forget running around outside and sleeping on the trampoline at the Lake Elsinore house. I will never forget eating lemons from the tree, getting dirty in the ditch, and crawdad “hunting” with cousins at the Utah house. I will never forget your ring with all the birthstones of your children.

I love you.

Feeling Threatened and Driven by Fear

I’m compelled by many things today to post. However, I find it necessary to focus my post for today in an effort to convey my feelings as clearly as possible. Please note that this post reflects my feelings and opinions and is not meant to offend anyone reading it, but to simply express how I feel about this issue and what I have observed.

In reading all the posts/comments on FB relating to the issue of gay marriage, I find myself saddened.  These FB posts make me believe that there are many scared folks out there.  People that feel threatened, that feel as if their rights, their ability to be happy, to raise children as they see fit, and that even their faith is affected/challenged by another persons desire to be happy, desire to have their love recognized officially/legally/equally.

If we get down to brass tacks, many people in my life would find that I do not share their ideals or religious view.  And, we would find ourselves on different sides of this issue.

I’m saddened by this because I am not threatened by others wanting happiness and recognition that can positively affect other areas of their lives together.  I do not want someone to decide who it is right/”normal”/religiously acceptable for me to love and/or marry, so why should I decide that for another person.  I find the religious based argument to be somewhat of a cop-out. If you have a faith, be strong in it.  Live your life based on this faith, but do not force others to live by, or accept the fact that you follow a faith, just so that you are not uncomfortable or challenged emotionally, mentally and faithfully.

Open your mind, understand that no one is asking you to change your ideals, or your belief.  All that is asked is that everyone have the change to be happy and recognized as legitimate, meaningful, of worth.