Sunday. Flip-flops, tank top, cut-offs, and Ray Bans. Windows open, music on. Hubby, S, and two friends over for a play date. Basketball in the driveway. Pooches on the doggie couch. Laughter filling the house from outside.
Four things make me happy; my husband, my son (S, 8 years old), my dogs (Baby, Coco, and Salem), and being outside. Technically, you could say six, if you count each dog.
It’s been 10 days since the head-on collision with an alleged drunk driver. The cuts on my face, bruising across my chest, on my knees and left ankle are healed or almost healed. This causes me anxiety. If others can no longer see the outside physical effects of the incident, will I still receive the compassion and time I need to fully process, and completely heal on the inside? The inside is not immediately visible to anyone, those I pass on the street that stared at the cuts on my nose and forehead and know that I have experience a trauma. What happens when the outside physical indicators have all healed, and all that is left are inside wounds? What is the timeline associated with their graciousness when we are in the car together and I’m still on the edge of my seat, consumed with fear?
I request my insurance set up my rental car, but as soon as the reservation was ready and Enterprise called me to move me to the front of the line, I panicked. I began to sweat, and wanted to cry. I am accepting of being a passenger, but not ready to drive again. Each time I get into a car, I worry about my safety, and the safety of my son, S, 8 years old. For it was highly likely that I could have had him in the car with me the night of the accident. It was too late, and I am rarely in the car without him. So, my Mom has agreed to pick me up and get S from school together for another week, and my husband has agreed to keep morning free from appointments so that he can take S to school. I guess I will try again next week.
So, I ask again, what happens now that the outside physical indicators of trauma have healed, and all that is left is the inside damage?
Be awesome. But not that awesome, because we are not used to that much awesome. That awesome is too ambitious. That awesome is too out of the box. That awesome hasn’t been done before so we are weary of that awesome.
“I fell in love with him. But I don’t just stay with him by default as if there’s no one else available to me. I stay with him because I choose to, every day that I wake up, every day that we fight or lie to each other or disappoint each other. I choose him over and over again, and he chooses me.” ~Tris, Allegiant, book three in the Divergent trilogy by Veronica Roth
I recently resigned from my position in the Economic Development Department of a local community college. I held this position for a year. For one year I came to home and nothing good to say about my day. The politics and hierarchy of the system I was working in drove me crazy. I didn’t fit the mold of the type of employee they “the college” was looking for. This wasn’t communicated to me directly, of course. It came across in small doses, and varied situations. As the days passed, I became more negative, more jaded. The turning point for me was when my husband said he didn’t like me anymore, and that I wasn’t the person he fell in love with, that I wasn’t confident, but fearful. Gasp! I had wanted to leave the position 2 months in, but kept telling myself to give it time. There was no more time to give. I gave notice the next working day.
I’ve been unemployed, and looking for a new opportunity, for less than a week, but I haven’t felt this happy, and free, in quite some time.
It’s been a while since I’ve shared, but quite honestly, I haven’t been inspired or motivated to do so. Actually, a while is an understatement. Anyhow, a recent chat with a friend got me thinking. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since, actually. The little things.
My day is filled with little things; things to do, things to remember, things to plan. But, the little things I’m referring to are those that can make us happy. They’re also the little things that make a difference in how our lives would feel if all suddenly we didn’t have those little things anymore. I refereed to them previously as the things that can make us happy. That was purposeful. It wasn’t until listening to my friend talk about what she didn’t have in one area of her life, that I realized how many of those little things I do have in mine. I haven’t thanked her for this, but I really should.
My little things relate to and are the result of my husband. At the end of the day, my little things are the what’s important, and could just end up being the big things.